Marriage forms families and society. Traditionally, in pastoral areas, the eldest son would inherit the family business, while younger sons and daughters would marry and raise a family on their own with a certain amount of property allocated to them. If a family had no sons, the youngest daughter stayed at home with her husband coming to live with the family. “ne eldest son and youngest daughter” are where parents’ hopes lie. In the past, many marriages were arranged by parents, but now, influenced’ by the outside world, most young men and women marry their own choices.
In the northern Tibetan pastoral areas, there is a unique and interesting courting method, with the resulting marriage called “dog-feeding marriage”. When a girl reaches sixteen and a boy seventeen, they are allowed to date. During the day, they make an appointment while herding cattle. At night, the girl would sleep outside the tent waiting for her lover on the excuse of watching the sheep. The young man would come bringing with him a chunk of meat, which he would throw to the guard dog to stop it from barking and waking up the girl’s family. After a period of “dog-feeding”, they must get approval from their parents before marrying. Northern Tibetan herdsmen are quite open about man-woman relations, and as it is well said, ” A king would not forbid men from answering nature’s call while parents would not separate lovers”. Hence, parents usually agree to their children’s choices. However, whether it’s free love or arranged marriage, people should strictly abide by one principle marriage within the “bone” clan, or family clan, is forbidden.
The “bone” clan in Tibetan language is called “riba”, a system that uses bone names for a group of descendants from a common ancestor. It’s a system established by blood in Tibetan pastoral areas, unique and completely different from other Tibetan areas. Most herdsmen may not be able to say where the name of the clan came from. Legend has it that it originated from the bones of immortals, supplemented by animal names because there were not enough bone names from the immortals. In addition, clans were also named after places and tribes. The “bone” clan system must be observed only when it concerns the relations between the opposite sexes. It is believed that if a man and a woman from the same “bone” clan have sex or get married, their bones will be contaminated and smell of the fox. This is a crime that must be strongly condemned and relentlessly punished. Therefore, before they court and marry each other, a young couple must do research into the “bone” clans of their parents. If they know they are relatives, they’d better not talk about marriage or having sex.
Before the Democratic Reform, although a man and a woman were allowed to see whomever they liked, they had to get approval from the heads of their tribes if they wanted to marry someone from another tribe. Besides they had to pay “boinchoi”, a self-redeeming fee, either with money or with cattle, to the tribe. Only then could they be allowed to be married into another tribe, and their children belonged to the other tribe, too. “Boinchoi” varied in amount during different historical periods and in different tribes. Yet, still, the headman would be reluctant to let go theirown people, and would always demand an exchange marriage. Self-redeeming fee, betrothal, dowry and the cattle that the newlyweds needed to set up their family came from their parents, therefore some people couldn’t get married because of poverty. Luozho, herdswoman from the No. 5 Village in Yuqag is now around 70. She couldn’t afford to set up a family of her own when she was young because she eked out a living by begging or working as a servant to other families. So, she has remained single.
Many a couple didn’t have any wedding ceremony, but moved in together to set up a family. Among the 46 families surveyed, there were 61 married women. For those aged 50 and above, the proportion of women who had a wedding and those who did not was 3:14. That is to say, about 80 percent of the married women didn’t have a wedding ceremony. For those under the age of 30, the proportion is 12:5, that’s to say, about 40 percent didn’t hold a wedding ceremony. The reasons for this change include the following: first, young women are not attached to the tribe and headman as was the case in the past; second, the improvement of their families’ economic situation has made it possible to hold a wedding ceremony; third, with better living standards, people begin to attach importance to social protocol and to public opinion; fourth, in the 1990s, herdsmen have gradually changed their lifestyle from nomadic to settling down in certain places, making it easier for them to communicate with one another; fifth, highways and motor vehicles have shortened the time spent on the road and made it easier to travel and visit each other.
When making a proposal, the father of the young man first goes to the girl’s house to present a hada scarf in order to get permission from the girl’s parents. Sometimes, the latter suggests divination to decide whether the marriage is appropriate. If there are no major obstacles, they continue to discuss specific items, but if not, the marriage idea will be abandoned, or they will submit to divination on another day. When the parents on both sides agree to the marriage, the young man’s sides go to the girl’s home once again to present a hada and tea, discuss the “milk price” to compensate the girl’s mother, and the dowry, and select an auspicious day for the wedding.
On the eve of the wedding, the bridegroom’s side send a relative with a glib tongue to the bride’s family to meet her, carrying with him hadas, “tui” (made of milk dregs and butter), and a white horse prepared especially for the bride. He stays there overnight. Early the next day, a sacrificial ceremony to the gods in hope of obtaining a blessing is held separately in the bride’s and grooms
houses, and sutras selected according to almanac are chanted. If the bride lives in a place that has different “Yulah” than the bridegroom’s, a ceremony has to be held to let the bride to say good-bye to her “Yulah” and to be accepted by the groom’s. Afterwards, an uncle on her mother’s side and elder brothers escort the bride to the bridegroom’s home for the wedding, together with his relative sent to meet her. Before she leaves, her parents present a hada to their daughter and ask the escorts to take some “tui” to the groom’s home, as required by protocol.
Auspicious and blessing hadas are hung on the tent of the bridegroom’s, with crates of yak dung, pails of milk and ropes used to tie sheep and yaks on both sides of the door to symbolize union. When the bride dismounts the horse, she must step on a white wool carpet decorated with designs made of barley: Lamas hold a bottle of holy water and spray some of it on the bride’s head while chanting sutras. After entering the tent, the bride takes a seat on the felt rug and someone offers her groma and sour milk. Then, in turn, lamas and guests present hadas to the newlyweds, followed by songs of congratulations and blessings. After the wedding ceremony, all present have a feast and dancing party until deep into the night.
After the wedding, the bride must spend seven days in her parents-in law’s house before returning to her own parents’ home together with her new husband. On the way back, the newlyweds must present hadas to mountain gods along the road. A celebration ceremony is held at her parents’ house. After a short stay of several days, they go back to the bridegroom’s house and start a new life.
It’s all right for the newlyweds to live either at the groom’s, or the bride’s, or by themselves. Our survey shows that a large proportion of young couples live by themselves, while the other two ways are fairly equal. Economic situation and changes of time don’t have much influence.
On the vast land of northern Tibet, the economic situation vanes from place to place and family to family, so different families have different wedding ceremonies. Some of them are quite complicated, while others are simple. Some people even move to live together without any ceremony. If they haven’t broken any taboo, the marriage is still recognized as legal. In recent years, due to the implementation of the Marriage Law, some herdsmen not only have a traditional wedding but go to register to seek legal recognition and protection. Whether it’s the bride coming to live with the bridegroom, or vice versa, the customs are the same with the only difference being that, for the former, the groom’s family holds the wedding ceremony, while, for the latter, it is the responsibility of the bride’s family.
A high divorce rate is one of the characteristics in the marriage of the herdsmen of Yuqag. There is no strict procedure for divorce. In some cases, one party, usually the husband, just leaves; in others, the two parties live separately if the persuasion of friends and relatives is of no avail. A divorced couple divide their property equally among family members, with half of the average amount for an unborn baby. In most cases, children live with their mother, but in some cases, boys live with their father while girls remain with the mother. Divorcees are not looked down upon in society. When they remarry, there is no wedding. They just move their things together, and a new family is set up. For those whose spouses die, people sympathize, but think it inauspicious. There is no wedding for them if they remarry.